New beginnings…
My baby turned 1 almost a month ago. It’s absolutely unbelievable how fast a year has gone. One minute, he’s a newborn looking so, so tiny in his 0-3 month babygrows with little noodle legs, the next he is literally half my height and looking more and more like a little boy.
The early days
When I started maternity leave, I put the thought of returning to work firmly to the back of mind. To be honest, I didn’t have much choice. I can attest that parenthood is both a joy… and a slog. The early days blurred into the nights as I followed the newborn routine of feed, sleep, nappy like a fading Duracell bunny. Sleepless nights always forgotten with a single smile. Every new moment captured in my memories, but also in 10,000 pictures on my phone lest I forget. I embraced new-mum life with my new-mum friends, trading advice and horror stories over coffee and brunches.
As the months went by, probably like a lot of new parents, the dread crept in about returning to work and leaving my baby. However, I didn’t anticipate the strength of feeling I had (and still have) about that not wanting to go back to work full-time straight after maternity leave. We don’t have family close by to help with childcare responsibilities so returning to work full-time inevitably meant full-time nursery which is not something I envisaged for my boy.
Reality bites
Disappointingly my boss was not at all receptive to part-time hours and my request was refused with a whole host of business reasons despite saying they needed me back. Hollow words… If I sound slightly bitter then I guess I am. Although I’ve always been a firm believer of the phrase “everyone is expendable”, it is a harsh reality when it applies to you, even after 8 years. But I guess it’s just business after all.
My sleep deprived, emotionally fragile new-mum brain wasn’t up for the fight; it also wasn’t worth it for a job that I was not wholly passionate for. So I was faced with a difficult decision – do I compromise my values and go back to work full-time, or take the nuclear option and quit to look after my boy?
Should I stay or should I go?
I agonised over the decision which was really stressful. I wanted to quit but I was so scared to make the leap. I worried about the cost of living and not contributing to our household and putting all of the earning pressure on my husband. I wanted to take the steps to change career but worried about not being able to find another job again with a gap on my CV. I worried about the stigma of being a “stay-at-home-mum” and losing my identity. I worried about whether I would be enough entertainment for my boy as he gets bigger and more independent. I wondered whether I would be holding him back without further interaction with other kids and adults in a nursery or daycare setting.
The end is only the beginning
The spiralling thoughts were exhausting. In the end, I got back to basics. What was the most important thing for me? And the answer to that was to have more time with my boy. So I quit. I recognise that I am in a very fortunate position to be able to make that choice as not all parents can, but it was still one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I still wonder whether I have done the right thing. After all, kids are very resilient and I’m sure he would have ultimately coped fine as many, many children do with full-time nursery. But as my best friend said, “there is no bad choice, just different choices.”
So our choice is to send him to nursery for 2 days a week to help him learn social skills and for me to use that time to figure out what I want to do. The latter is probably easier said than done, but I want to be kinder to myself and really take the time to determine what I want to do with the rest of my life.
When I do return to work, I want it to be on my terms, not someone else’s. Positive pants pulled firmly up!